The Host Chapter 38: Touched

What do I think roughly what?About our discussion out there, Ian clarified.What did I think nigh it? I didnt know.Somehow, Ian was able to look at things from my perspective, my alien perspective. He thought I had earned a refine to my life.But he was jealous? Of Jared?He knew what I was. He knew I was just a tiny creature fused into the dorsum of Melanies brain. A worm, as Kyle had verbalise. Yet purge Kyle thought Ian had a crush on me. On me? That wasnt possible.Or did he want to know what I thought approximately Jared? My feelings on the experiment? much details about my responses to physical contact? I shuddered.Or my thoughts on Melanie? Melanies thoughts on their conversation? Whether I agreed with Jared about her rights?I didnt know what I thought. About any of it.I really dont know, I verbalise.He nodded. Thats understandable.Only because you are very understanding.He smiled at me. It was odd how his eyes could both sear and warm. Especially with a color that was c loser to ice than fire. They were quite warm at the moment.I give care you very much, Wanda.Im wholly just beginning to check that. I guess Im a little slow.Its a surprise to me, too.We both thought that over.He pursed his lips. And I suppose that is one of the things you dont know how you feel about?No. I mean yes, I dont know. I I -Thats okay. You digestnt had long to think about it. And it must seem strange.I nodded. Yes. More than strange. Impossible.Tell me something, Ian said after a moment.If I know the answer.Its non a hard question.He didnt ask it right a path. Instead, he reached across the narrow space and picked up my establish. He held it in both of his for a moment, and then he trailed the fingers of his left tip over slowly up my arm, from my wrist to my shoulder. Just as slowly, he pulled them acantha again. He looked at the skin of my arm rather than my face, watching the goose bumps that formed along the path of his fingers.Does that feel good or bad to you ? he asked.Bad, Melanie insisted.But it doesnt hurt, I protested.Thats not what hes asking. When he ordinates good Oh, its the the likes of talking to a childIm not even a year old, you know. Or am I now? I was sidetracked, trying to figure out the date.Melanie was not distracted. Good, to him, means the office it feels when Jared touches us. The memory she provided was not one from the caves. It was in the magic canyon, at sunset. Jared stood behind her and let his hands follow the shape of her arms, from her shoulders to her wrists. I shivered at the pleasure of the simple touch. Like that.Oh.Wanda?Melanie says bad, I whispered.What do you say?I say I dont know.When I could meet his eyes, they were warmer than I expected. I cant even imagine how confusing this all must be to you.It was comforting that he understood. Yes. Im confused.His hand traced up and down my arm again. Would you like me to stop?I hesitated. Yes, I decided. That what youre doing makes it hard for me to thin k. And Melanie is angry at me. That also makes it hard to think.Im not angry at you. Tell him to leave.Ian is my friend. I dont want him to leave.He leaned away, folding his arms across his chest.I dont suppose shed give us a minute alone?I laughed. I doubt it.Ian tilted his head to one side, his expression speculative.Melanie Stryder? he asked, addressing her.We both started at the name.Ian went on. Id like the chance to speak with Wanda privately, if you dont mind. Is there any way that could be arranged?Of all the nerve You tell him I said no chance in hell I do not like this man.My nose wrinkled up.What did she say?She said no. I tried to say the wrangle as gently as they could be said. And that she doesnt like you.Ian laughed. I can respect that. I can respect her. Well, it was worth a try. He sighed. Kind of puts a damper on things, having an audience.What things? Mel growled.I grimaced. I didnt like feeling her anger. It was so much more(prenominal) vicious than mine.Get use d to it.Ian put his hand on my face. Ill let you think about things, okay? So you can decide how you feel.I tried to be objective about that hand. It was soft against my face. It matte nice. Not like when Jared touched me. But also varied from the way it felt when Jamie hugged me. Other.It might take a while. None of this makes any sense, you know, I told him.He grinned. I know.I realized, when he smiled then, that I cute him to like me. The rest-the hand on my face, the fingers on my arm-I still wasnt sure at all about those. But I wanted him to like me, and to think kind things about me. Which is why it was hard to tell him the truth.You dont really feel that way about me, you know, I whispered. Its this body Shes pretty, isnt she?He nodded. She is. Melanie is a very pretty girl. Even beautiful. His hand locomote to touch my bad cheek, to stroke the rough, scarring skin with gentle fingers. In spite of what Ive done to her face.Normally, I would have denied that automatically. Reminded him that the wounds on my face werent his fault. But I was so confused that my head was spinning and I couldnt form a coherent sentence.Why should it bother me that he thought Melanie was beautiful?Youve got me there. My feelings were no clearer to her than they were to me.He brushed my hair back from my forehead.But, pretty as she is, shes a stranger to me. Shes not the one I care about.That made me feel better. Which was even more confusing.Ian, you dont Nobody here separates us the way they should. Not you, not Jamie, not Jeb. The truth came out in a rush, more heated than Id meant it to be. You couldnt care about me. If you could hold me in your hand, me, you would be disgusted. You would throw me to the ground and grind me under your foot.His pale forehead creased as his black brows pulled to stick aroundher. I not if I knew it was you.I laughed without humor. How would you know? You couldnt tell us a articulation.His mouth turned down.Its just the body, I repeated.T hats not true at all, he disagreed. Its not the face, but the expressions on it. Its not the voice, but what you say. Its not how you look in that body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.He moved forward as he spoke, kneeling beside the bed where I lay and taking my hand again in both of his.Ive never known anyone like you.I sighed. Ian, what if Id get by here in Magnolias body?He grimaced and then laughed. Okay. Thats a good question. I dont know.Or Wess?But youre female-you yourself are.And I always request whatever a planets equivalent is. It seems more right. But I could be put into a man and I would function just fine.But youre not in a mans body.See? Thats my point. Body and soul. Two dissimilar things, in my case.I wouldnt want it without you.You wouldnt want me without it.He touched my cheek again and left his hand there, his thumb under my jaw. But this body is part of you, too. Its part of who you are. And, unless you change your mind and turn us all in, i ts who you impart always be.Ah, the finality of it. Yes, I would die in this body. The final death.And I will never live in it again, Melanie whispered.Its not how either of us planned our future, is it?No. Neither of us planned to have no future.Another cozy conversation? Ian guessed.Were thinking of our mortality.You could live forever if you left us.Yes, I could. I sighed. You know, humans have the shortest life span of any species Ive ever been, except the Spiders. You have so little time.Dont you think, then Ian paused and leaned closer to me so that I couldnt seem to see anything around his face, just snow and sapphire and ink. That maybe you should make the close of what time you have? That you should live while youre alive?I didnt see it coming the way I had with Jared. Ian was not as familiar to me. Melanie realized what he was going to do before I did, just a second before his lips touched mine.NoIt wasnt like kissing Jared. With Jared, there was no thought, only desire . No control. A spark to gasoline-inevitable. With Ian, I didnt even know what I felt. Everything was muddled and confused.His lips were soft and warm. He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.Good or bad? he whispered against my lips.Bad Bad, badI-I cant think. When I moved my mouth to speak, he moved his with it.That sounds good.His mouth pressed down with more force now. He caught my lower lip between his and pulled on it gently.Melanie wanted to hit him-so much more than shed wanted to punch Jared. She wanted to shove him away and then kick his face. The image was horrible. It conflicted jarringly with the sensation of Ians kiss.Please, I whispered.Yes?Please stop. I cant think. Please.He sat back at once, clasping his hands in front of him. Okay, he said, his tone cautious.I pressed my hands against my face, wishing I could push out Melanies anger.Well, at least(prenominal) nobody punched me. Ian grinned.She wanted to do more t han that. Ugh. I dont like it when shes mad. It hurts my head. Anger is so ugly.Why didnt she?Because I didnt lose control. She only breaks free when Im overwhelmed.He watched as I kneaded my forehead.Calm down, I begged her. Hes not touching me.Has he forgotten that Im here? Doesnt he care? This is me, its meI tried to explain that.What about you? nominate you forgotten Jared?She threw the memories at me the way shed done in the beginning, only this time they were like blows. A thousand punches of his smile, his eyes, his lips on mine, his hands on my skinOf race not. Have you forgotten that you dont want me to love him?Shes talking to you.Yelling at me, I corrected.I can tell now. I can see you compress on the conversation. I never noticed before today.Shes not always this vocal.I am sorry, Melanie, he said. I know this must be unrealistic for you.Again, she visualized smashing her foot into his sculpted nose, leaving it crooked like Kyles. Tell him I dont want his apologies.I winced.Ian half smiled, half grimaced. She doesnt accept.I move my head.So she can break free? If youre overwhelmed?I shrugged. Sometimes, if she takes me by surprise and Im too emotional. Emotion makes it hard to concentrate. But its been more difficult for her lately. Its like the admission between us is locked. I dont know why. I tried to let her out when Kyle - I stopped talking abruptly, grinding my teeth together.When Kyle tried to turn thumbs down you, he finished matter-of-factly. You wanted her free? Why?I just stared at him.To fight him? he guessed.I didnt answer.He sighed. Okay. Dont tell me. Why do you think the door is locked?I frowned. I dont know. Maybe the time passing It worries us.But she broke through before, to punch Jared.Yes. I shuddered at the memory of my fist striking his jaw.Because you were overwhelmed and emotional?Yes.What did he do? Just kiss you?I nodded.Ian flinched. His eyes tightened.What? I asked. Whats wrong?When Jared kisses you, you are ove rwhelmed by emotion.I stared at him, upset by the expression on his face. Melanie enjoyed it. Thats rightHe sighed. And when I kiss you you arent sure if you like it. You are not overwhelmed.Oh. Ian was jealous. How very strange this world was. Im sorry.Dont be. I told you Id give you time, and I dont mind waiting for you to think things through. I dont mind that at all.What do you mind? Because he minded something very much.He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. I saw how you loved Jamie. That was always really obvious. I guess I should have seen that you loved Jared, too. Maybe I didnt want to. It makes sense. You came here for the two of them. You love them both, the same way Melanie did. Jamie like a brother. And JaredHe was aspect away, staring at the wall over me. I had to look away, too. I stared at the sunlight where it touched the red door.How much of that is Melanie? he wanted to know.I dont know. Does it matter?I could barely hear his answer. Yes. It does to me. Without looking at me or seeming to notice what he was doing, Ian took my hand again.It was very quiet for a minute. Even Melanie was still. That was nice.Then, as though a switch had been flipped, Ian was his ruler self again. He laughed.Time is on my side, he said, grinning. Weve got the rest of our lives in here. One day youll wonder what you ever saw in Jared.In your dreams.I laughed with him, happy he was joking again.Wanda? Wanda, can I come in?Jamies voice started from down the hall and, accompanied by the sound of his jogging steps, cease right outside the door.Of course, Jamie.I already had my hand held out to him before he shrugged the door aside. I hadnt seen him nearly enough lately. Unconscious or crippled, I hadnt been free to seek him out.Hey, Wanda Hey, Ian Jamie was all grins, his messy hair bouncing when he moved. He headed for my reaching hand, but Ian was in his way. So he settled for posing on the edge of my mattress and resting his hand on my foot. How are yo u feeling?Better.Hungry yet? Theres beef jerky and corn on the cob I could get you some.Im okay for now. How are you? I havent seen you much lately.Jamie made a face. Sharon gave me detention.I smiled. What did you do?Nothing. I was totally framed. His innocent expression was a bit overdone, and he quickly changed the subject. Guess what? Jared was saying at lunch that he didnt think it was fair for you to have to move out of the room you were used to. He said we werent being good hosts. He said you should move back in with me Isnt that great? I asked him if I could tell you right away, and he said that was a good idea. He said you would be in here.Ill bet he did, Ian murmured.So what do you think, Wanda? We get to be roomies againBut Jamie, where will Jared squelch?Wait-let me guess, Ian interrupted. I bet he said the room was big enough for three. Am I right?Yeah. How did you know?Lucky guess.So thats good, isnt it, Wanda? It will be just like before we came hereIt felt sort of l ike a razor sliding between my ribs when he said that-too clean and minute a pain to be compared to a blow or a break.Jamie analyzed my tortured expression with alarm. Oh. No, I mean but with you, too. It will be nice. The four of us, right?I tried to laugh through the pain it didnt hurt any worse than not laughing.Ian squeezed my hand.The four of us, I mumbled. Nice.Jamie crawled up the mattress, worming his way around Ian, to put his arms around my neck.Sorry. Dont be sad.Dont worry about it.You know I love you, too.So sharp, so piercing, the emotions of this planet. Jamie had never said those words to me before. My whole body suddenly felt a few degrees warmer.So sharp, Melanie agreed, wincing at her own pain.Will you come back? Jamie begged against my shoulder.I couldnt answer right away.What does Mel want? he asked.She wants to live with you, I whispered. I didnt have to check to know that.And what do you want?Do you want me to live with you?You know I do, Wanda. Please.I hesi tated.Please?If thats what you want, Jamie. Okay.Woo hoo Jamie crowed in my ear. Cool Im gonna go tell Jared Ill get you some food, too, okay? He was already on his feet, bouncing the mattress so that I felt it in my ribs.Okay.You want something, Ian?Sure, kid. I want you to tell Jared hes shameless.Huh?Never mind. Go get Wanda some lunch.Sure. And Ill ask Wes for his extra bed. Kyle can come back in here, and everything will be like it should bePerfect, Ian said, and though I didnt look at his face, I knew he was rolling his eyes.Perfect, I whispered, and felt the razors edge again.